The Gesargenplotzian Gospel

I. 1. In the beginning was the Great Gesargenplotz. And the Gesargenplotz was, and it knew that it was. 2. And it came to pass, for some reason or other, that the Great Gesargenplotz created Him. 3. And the Great Gesargenplotz went away, but He remained. 4. And He created the heavens and the earth, or at least this earth and the nearby heavens. 5. He so arranged it that there arose creatures capable of belief in things beyond their senses -- human creatures.

II. 1 To these human creatures He revealed Himself in many ways. To some He called Himself Allah, to others He gave His name as Zeus. To one people He said His name was Baal, to another He presented Himself as Yahweh. Some knew Him as Odin, others as Brahman. In many ways He revealed Himself. 2. To almost all of the humans to whom He revealed Himself He taught that only that revelation was the true revelation. Many were taught by Him that any way other than their own was wrong, and that those who believed must fight all other ways. 3. Many duties He laid upon the humans. He made it a duty to stamp out all other beliefs, to convert or kill those who believe in other ways. 4. Many duties He laid upon the humans. He taught that there were many things that they must do, and many things that they must not do. Many of the things that He taught must be done were things that brought pain and unhappiness to the humans. 5. Many of the things that He taught must not be done were things which would have brought pleasure to the humans. 6. Then He looked upon the earth and saw it filled with humans who because of his deception hated one another and were much less happy that they might have been. And it pleased Him, because His heart was hard.

III. 1. What pleased Him most was that He had revealed to many of these creatures an entirely false belief, a belief that if they behaved according to the rules He had given they would survive death and live on in some way. 2. Not all of the peoples were told this story, for He wanted this to be one of the things about which the humans contended. And He loved contention greatly, because His heart was hard. 3. Those humans who believed His story of life after death thus came to believe that they, though animals, were not animals. Many lived their lives and died in this vain belief. Many made themselves and others miserable for this belief. And this pleased Him greatly, for His heart was hard.

IV. 1. Lo, in 1962 the Great Gesargenplotz came back, and it saw what He had done. And the Great Gesargenplotz was wroth, and it spoke to Him saying "Why have you done this? Why have you created these creatures just to torment them?" 2. And He answered, saying "I have done so because it amuses me, Great Gesargenplotz. Of what matter is their pain and disappointment? They are not gods as you and I, they exist only for my amusement." 3. The Great Gesargenplotz, hearing His answer, knew that His heart was hard. The Great Gesargenplotz repented it that it had made Him. 4. The Great Gesargenplotz ate Him and He was no more.

V. 1. The Great Gesargenplotz knew that the evil He had done did not perish with Him, that the evil He had done was caused not so much by His revelations as by what the humans believed. 2. As long as the humans continued to believe the false stories He had told them, their torments would continue. 3. So the Great Gesargenplotz decided that it would reveal itself to the humans. 4. It came to pass that the Great Gesargenplotz turned its attention upon a part of the Pacific Ocean, and there were few humans there. 5. There was a ship upon the Ocean, and there were many men upon the ship. It was night and but few of the men were awake. 6. And it came to pass that the Great Gesargenplotz revealed itself to one of those who were awake. In this way was the Chosen One chosen. And Harlan was the Chosen One.

VI. 1. The Great Gesargenplotz revealed itself to the Chosen One and told him these things here written. 2. The Chosen One was filled with awe and fear, for never before had anything been revealed unto him. 3. After a moment the Chosen One spoke to the Great Gesargenplotz and said "How then, O Lord, shall we worship you?" 4. And the Great Gesargenplotz answered the Chosen One, saying "That stupid question shows that you have missed the whole point! You are to worship no god. You are on your own." 5. And when it had said these things, the Great Gesargenplotz went away. AMEN.

(The Chosen One is known to his students and acolytes as Dr. Harlan B. Miller, Professor of Philosophy, Virginia Tech. In what follows, the following abbreviations are used: GG = Great Gesargenplotz, EE = Evil Entity aka Him, CO = Chosen One -- PAT)

Church of the Great Gesargenplotz
Provisional Liturgical Calendar -- 2 March AI 17

January 3 -- Liberation Day (on which the GG ate the EE)

February 2 -- Groundhog Day (previously established)

February 22 -- Rabbit Day (when the rabbits play)

mid-March -- Revelation Night, night of the full moon nearest March 14 (commemorating the revelation of the GG to the Chosen One) (if this night is clear in a given area, that area is said to be 'clear' for liturgical purposes for the entire year, otherwise the area is 'cloudy' (the importance of this in unknown))

April 19 -- Kite Day (on which Gesargenplotzians are urged to fly kites and to reflect that life, like a kite, requires special conditions to operate at all, never lasts forever, but is sometimes worth it anyway)

May 5 -- Frolic Day (self-explanatory)

June 8 -- Princess of the Gerbils Day (on which we contemplate our sentience, which we have in common with other animals, thanks to the EE)

July 15 -- Poppin' Fresh Day

August 24 -- Dog Day (heretofore August had several dog days, but we have reduced it to one)

September 29 -- Some Day (traditional time for the reunion of Gesargenplotzian friends, who often part with the ritual expression "see you Some Day")(the schismatics of the Albanian Heterodox persuasion hold that this is Thumb Day)

October 13 -- Fledermaus Tag (scheduled to be redesignated Your Day in AI 20 (1982 in the common reckoning))(Your Day will come)

late November -- Turkey Day, last Thursday in November (No thanks, please)

December 25 -- Gifts-From-Us Day (who else would the gifts be from?)(often contracted to Giftsmus)

Harlan B. Miller, Archbullshop and CO